Project - A.I. Various - Panoramic
Spaces in photography have always been both interesting and important to me. When I first started experimenting with AI images, I’d always find it difficult to create ‘spaces’ effectively. Thankfully as AI image generators have improved, experimenting with spaces has gradually got better over time. During a period of boredom, I tried these to experiment and was pretty pleased with the results.
Project - A.I. Various - Dream 07
This dream involved revisiting my grandparents house after they’d passed on to help clear it out before it was sold on. Important elements of the dream were that it hadn’t been occupied for a number of years. It featured a staircase which had blue and white stripped wallpaper. In the dream I eventually climbed the stairs and once at the top everything seemed to become distorted; spaces seemed either too big or too small and hallways stretched on forever. I didn’t put an awful lot of effort into these, I was just curious. Some of them are clearly a bit ridiculous.
Project - A.I Various - School 02
School was a pretty impactful part of my life growing up, something I think is likely very common. The thing is, it seems that I’ve never really ‘let it go’. It’s one thing to be able to build ‘acceptance’ of those experience, but ‘letting them go’ is another thing entirely. Sometimes I feel like I’m sick of revisiting school, sick of revisiting it in my dreams, sick of it every now and then coming back to mind. How much time has to go by before ‘enough’ time goes by? It’s only as I get older that everything changes. The schools I went to aren’t the same anymore, buildings are updated, upgraded, torn down, rebuilt and so on. So the school I know is the school that’s stuck in the past. It’s only me that’s wondering around the same building over and over again in my mind, but time never changes in that space. So I wondered what it would look like to ‘see’ a part of ‘myself’ walking through a school where time ‘had’ changed. Time changes, I physically grow up, but this emotional part of my inner child doesn’t. It’s stuck there, still wondering around the same places, reliving the same events and the same memories over and over again. In that sense, I feel these work. Visually, I like parts of them, but there isn’t a specific one that works better than the others. I do like the idea of experimenting with different seasons though.
Project - A.I. Various - Trampoline
I wanted to see if I could recreate a scene involving trampoline I played on with some friends in the rain. I got busy with something else before continuing.
Project - A.I. Various - Staircases
Staircase seemed to play something of an important role in my childhood. They were somewhere to play and you could run up and down them. They were also places that lead to exploration, “What’s up there?”. And some stairs I wasn’t allowed up, some stairs I was but was told not to wonder around any further which I always wanted to. Some experiences of stairs are a lot more complicated.
Project - A.I Various - The Office
No thanks.
Project - A.I Various - Staff Room
I’ve never been fond of staff rooms.
Project - A.I Various - School
I wanted to try recreating a memory. I was waiting for a taxi after school, but it was later by almost an hour. I was stuck inside the school waiting around and remember the feeling of how quiet and still everything was. When it started raining it just added another layer of atmosphere to the whole experience. I didn’t get very far with this attempt, since this early version of an AI image generator seemed to get stuck churning out the same style stuff. Not very effective and I gave up eventually.
Project - A.I Various - Shadow Moses
I first played this game when I was probably about 12 or 13 years old and was absolutely captivated by it as many many others were too. I wanted to see if I could create images that made it look as if I was that kid again but really there, ‘playing’ inside the game itself. Well that didn’t work very well since all I encountered were endless problems. I might try returning to it again another time.
Project - A.I. Various - Various
These were just different ideas with different artist styles and ideas. None of which I felt were all that great.
Project - A.I. Various - Broken Sword
These were just the result of myself experimenting with a specific style I’ve always been a fan of. These are okay, I like them, generally. But I’m not at all that bothered.
Project - A.I. Various - Dream 03
In this dream, I returned home and found that there were beds and covers all over the place which I had to climb over. It turned out I was looking after one of my grandparents. Although in the dream I’m supposed to be at home, I notice that the place looks really old; covered in mould, insects and cobwebs. At some point, I look out of the window and spot a clown on stilts by some haystacks.
Given this, you’ll see that none of these images really work to connect with the dream at all. The clown was inside the house and nor were the beds in a bedroom. I kept going though because it was funny to see the results, their so comically cliched and stereotyped, there’s no individuality here at all. It’s like some cheap horror movie.
Project - A.I. Various - Dream 05 / 06
In this dream, I was in the kitchen with my parents. It starts when my Mum notices a storm out of the window. It’s also raining, there’s a thick black cloud over the house. Later, there are about five or six missiles coming towards the village we live in. My Dad explains these are nuclear warheads. I start freaking out and approach my Mum for comfort. The bombs go off and I remember feeling a burning inside and struggling to breathe. As the dream continues it seems that I survived this first ‘wave’ only to find myself caught up later in another. None of these really work, they just look like quick and cheap montages rather than anything that fits together well. It’s possible that it might be worth returning to try again at a later date when technology gets better. Although honestly, I’m not that inspired, it just doesn’t translate well.
In this dream I was in a shopping center when a missile came crashing through a large glass dome. There was a subsequent explosion and I was thrown violently back because of the blast. I gave up pretty quick on this.
The following serves more as an archive of attempts and experiments. Very few of them could be considered successful.
Project - A.I. Various - Running Away 01
These were attempts to recreate the time I ran away from school. I was likely wearing my red jumper, and I remember walking through a derelict industrial site. How I eventually got home is beyond me but I did indeed make it. My thoughts behind things like this are, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if you could go back in time and photograph the things you never had a chance to at the time?’ None of these particularly feel ‘successful’ though.
Project - A.I. Various - Running Away 02
These were an attempt to explore the memories of my ‘thoughts’ of running away from school. Again, none of these feel particularly successful. There’s a few of them that have something of a feeling, but it’s spare and generally not very effective. The main elements were the chain link fence and the footpath.
Project - A.I. Various - Dream 01
The dream starts where I’m somewhere between 10 and 12 years old. I was being chased but it’s unclear by who. I find myself in a derelict room full of broken tiles that I realise is a kitchen.
Within the same dream I later find myself in a hallway that vaguely reminds me of high school. The walls are painted green, the paint is flaking. I’m running and running and desperately looking for somewhere to hide. The dream never clarifies who I’m running from. None of these images, especially the ones below really ‘work’ to convey the emotional experience of the dream. They feel far too ‘posed’ and ‘static’. I try to make the characters ‘run’ in the AI images but it never works. I tell AI it’s a school and it ‘always creates an American school that looks straight out of a 1990’s film. I try to stipulate colours and it keeps trying to apply it a colour scheme. I find it impossible to control the light. It’s likely that I’m rubbish at AI prompts, but when I find the experience frustrating I find myself giving up rather than persisting.
Self-directed Therapeutic Photography - Example Analysis
The photograph was captured first. The video was a 'response' to the photograph.
The photograph can be reduced into three elements:
The main focus of the photograph is the church. It was purposefully photographed from a low angle to communicate scale. Generally speaking, an image of a church can connotate themes such,
The focus here is not directed to the general but to the individual. For me, the Church as a visual sign leads me to various aspects of childhood. Firstly the photograph reminds me of childhood perspectives, 'looking up' at large buildings was something I remember doing as a child. The church has personal connotations born from experiences that are relatively neutral; neither overly positive, nor overly negative. Such childhood experiences involved attending church, singing hymns, and Christingle Service for example. (It is perhaps relevant to note that these connotations change when considered in the context of teenage and adult experiences).
The photograph features a bright blue sky with a series of clouds. General connotations could be feelings of,
As a personal connotation it communicates childhood again; summer holidays, bright days, playing out, fun, adventure. Although paying attention to skies and clouds in childhood wasn't something I specifically remember, I associate bright blue skies, light cloud cover and sunny days with positive childhood experiences.
General connotation could include,
The colourful bunting is yet again another personal connection to childhood. It's colours are bold and remindful of how often I came into contact with bold and bright colours in childhood.
Source: https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1545976354/pick-your-own-funfax-books
For me, the bunting signifies events such as attending fairs, fetes, and even sports days as a child.
The bunting is specifically important here. It's the thread that binds the other two elements of the photograph together as its absence would reduce the experiential strength of my emotional response.
It is clear that each element exists as a personal signpost to aspects of,
Noticeably not a single specific aspect, but there exists a general feeling of positivity when responding to the photograph.
My response to the photograph immediately led me to the ending cut scenes from a PlayStation One video game titled, 'Klonoa'. This was my 'first thought’ and so demonstrates the existence of a personal semantic relationship between both image and video. It’s only upon further analysis that we can try to build an understanding of how and why this may be.
Firstly let us look at the colours. I wouldn’t have realised without watching the video but it transpires that the colours present in the bunting actually resemble very similar colours from the game itself.
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIOmdAz-WZg
Secondly, the opening levels of the game present pretty and picturesque environments, featuring green hills, bright blue skies and clouds which are again similar to the photograph. The gameplay is whimsical, charming and adventurous.
Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOw3sNQTro8
My response to the photograph specifically took me to the ending of this video game. This features a prerendered cinematic cutscene. To simplify the story, Klonoa (the main character) alongside his friend Huepow, have saved the dream world of Phantomile. Following this Klonoa assumes that he will be able to stay with Huepow and continue playing as friends. However this is not the case as Klonoa learns he to be pulled back into his own world. Huepow knew this was going to happen but felt unable to tell Klonoa the truth until the very end. Huepow explains to Klonoa that their memories together weren't real, they were fake. Klonoa refuses to accept this and desires to stay. Although Huepow initially stands by as Klonoa is dragged away, eventually he rushes towards Klonoa in an attempt to stop them returning home. Unfortunately there's nothing that be done and Klonoa is forced to return. As Heupow's world begins to flourish with bright green grass and colourful flowers he sheds a tear for his friend but smiles, suggesting that in some way they'll always have their memories of each other. This is signified by the final scene showing Heupow in what could possibly be some sort of diary or scrap book. During the final credits the book is flicks through from the end of the game to the beginning until the front cover is closed and the game ends.
Let us now consider what the ending to this video game represents:
With these in mind, let us now consider how this connects to my childhood experiences.
The ending of friendships in childhood felt like a running theme. Firstly, I moved into a different junior school in the last year. Although there were up's and down's in my first junior school I was relatively happy. I specifically remember the final day when other children came up to me and said that they would miss me. Until that point I don't think I'd given it all that much thought. I even remember thinking that I didn't have that many friends at school and now there are others coming to me and telling me that they'd miss me.
One of my friends from where I grew up left my neighbourhood around the same time and I struggled with how to deal with that. I was upset but found myself concluding that I wasn't allowed to show how upset I was.
I sometimes feel as if I had missed opportunities for friendships in childhood. I'll never forget the time a group of children came to the house to ask if I wanted to play. I certainly did but since there was a strict no noise policy inside the house, the children who came knocking were chastised for creating a noise.
I successfully made friends in my second junior school but I was unable to these friendships out of school since I lived so far away from everyone else. I remember how it felt having to tell them that, “No, I can’t go to your house after school” and, “No, I can’t see you at the weekend.” Eventually those friends just give up trying.
Making friends at high school was especially difficult. However on holiday it always seemed easier. When I grew up I realised that it's likely because when you meet someone on holiday it's a completely fresh start and a blank slate; there's no history involved and I could feel safer to be myself. Although not always successfully, I did indeed make friends on holiday and I hated it when the holidays finished and you'd have to go home. The only realistic exchange we could make in the late 90's and early 2000's were home telephone numbers and physical addresses; although I did swap these sometimes, friendships never really continued past the holidays. With the gradual introduction of the internet we could swap email addresses instead. This happened one on occasion but by this point I had become a very lonely teenager. That was the first friendship that ended because of my own actions and is something that has stuck with me for a long time. If anything, I’m glad social media didn’t exist at this time because it would’ve frankly been disastrous experience for me.
My interest in memories began to develop in my early 20's and coincided with my interest in dreams too. As I've grown older I've come to realise that memories are complicated. They exist as single moments but are tangled with various other moments and events. A single memory can be powerful but I believe that when understood in a wider context it can become something far more meaningful. I’ve grown to understand and even appreciate that memories are not always factual ‘truths’ but emotional ones; further complicating their existence. In the context of friendships, there isn’t a singular memory or a singular event that's important but rather a string of memories and events that hold meaning for me. In my late 20's during a period of depression there was a lot of deep reflecting on previous negative memories and experiences with friendships that led to their endings. Coinciding this I witnessed myself purposefully creating fractures in my friendships almost as if sabotaging them whilst concluding, 'If I'm so good at destroying friendships, let's just get it over with then’. The difficulty in this period of my life was in lacking an understanding of my own behaviours; when friends fell silent I’d suddenly go running back to demand their attention and so they cycle would repeat until all involved became far too exhausted.
My interest in dream correlates with my interest in memories which I began recording between the ages of 17 and 19. I still record my dreams and hold over 1100 of them. As with memories, a singular dream can indeed be powerful but again, only when understood in a wider context their meanings become far more impactful and meaningful. It's the difference between sharing one dream that heavily features one of my friends or sharing how frequently that same friend appears throughout the total of my dreams.
Although I experimented keeping a written diary in my late teens, my diaries eventually became photographic. During lockdown I had time to organise my photographs and create 'Timeline' documents which included various other forms of media such as film, music, drawings and other creations. Creating these equated to a form of self-directed Narrative Therapy; it was fun, but sometimes revelatory. These 'timeline' documents were arranged into individual years but again although one document is interesting it's only when understood within the context of the others that it becomes a powerful and meaningful project.
The connection between the photograph and the video reveals themes of childhood in relation to friendships; specifically the endings of friendships. Although the photograph’s main focus is the church, it is actually the bunting that serves as the emotional catalyst for exploration and so serves as the photographs ‘Punctum’.
The construction reflects childhood experience of making and losing friends both in school and on holiday. In childhood there were feelings of sadness but perhaps of powerlessness too; the feeling that ‘nothing can be done’ and, ‘I have no choice but to accept this’. Curiously, perhaps it these feelings that led to difficulties in teenage friendships; could it be that a fear of unexpected endings resulted in overbearing behaviours that ironically lead to further endings? To potentially delve deeper into this one could consider childhood attachment styles and in my case could be defined as anxious or ambivalent
Fears of abandonment
Needing reassurance
Becoming clingy
Experiencing intense emotions
Difficulty trusting others.
Although we are exploring childhood experiences, exploration regarding my experiential relationship with my parents may lead to further insight.
Through it’s squeaky voices, it’s colours and cartoon like appearance, the video also perhaps communicates innocence which again relates back to childhood.
Together, the photograph and video perhaps communicate a bitter sweetness, the fun and adventure of childhood but the sadness that is inevitably encountered alongside it.
My interest in dreams and memories are communicated through both mediums. The photograph expresses childhood memories whilst the video references ‘a dream world’. As the video ends in what appears to be a scrapbook one could suggest this represents a sense of capturing both dreams and memories because they are important. The question then follows, why? Some of these childhood experiences go back almost 30 years and yet there clearly exists a desire (or even a motivation) to explore these. My archiving of both dreams and memories suggests a desire to revisit them, but again, why? Perhaps in a quest to discover something unresolved.
To conclude, the final construction potentially reveals the following:
It is important to recognise that the construction doesn’t ‘solve’ or ‘fix’ anything emotionally, rather it seems to serve two purposes. Firstly it acts as a potential alternative route to self exploration which may lead to some personal discoveries. Secondly it serves as emotional containment which will be explored later.
It is a visual expression that is the product of physical ‘effort’. To break this down, this involves,
the act of looking
the act of taking the photograph
the act of uploading the photograph to another device
the act of sourcing the video
the act of putting the two together
This sense of ‘effort’ allows me to feel as if I’m actively ‘doing something’ to increase my emotional wellbeing through expression, exploration and examination of self. To compare my experiences with the act of talking in traditional therapy, this has often left me with a feeling of aimless rambling; words and sentences thrown around in all different directions without any sense of resolution following their expression. Although verbal expressions can indeed be received and understood effectively by others, it’s as if they fling through the air as sound waves and eventually dissipate into nothing. (Interestingly I have noticed that when I feel a sense of depression I seem to enter a state where it feels as if my vocal chords cannot operate; as if during those periods I conclude that there’s no effective point in making them produce sounds that become words. Perhaps this comes from a lack of belief that they will be effectively well received, let alone accepted and understood; certainly a separate route of exploration) Alternatively, visual expressions can be preserved, remain lasting and although not forever, the memory of it can stay far longer in the memory than spoken words. This is my personal experience, but it echoes the ideas of The Picture-Superiority Effect which, “…refers to the finding that, all else being equal, pictures are remembered better than words.”
My initial intent was to express, even if during that initial stage I’m unsure exactly what to express; there’s a sense of fun and enjoyment that comes with that process - who knows where it’s going to lead… but let’s find out - allowing that sense of curiosity and even perhaps adventure leading the way. Exploration then follows through sourcing the video.
Examination can be both fun and enjoyable but sometimes tough. The fun for myself comes from dissecting the material; picking it apart to find something of interest and then hopefully something of meaning and value. The tough part comes from the discovery of what that is because as a self-directed form of therapy I’m the left with the question, ‘well what do I ‘do’ with this now?’ I’ve already ‘done’ the first part of ‘doing’ through physical effort, what happens next? However, those feelings appear more manageable because it also feels like a whole collection of thoughts, feelings and experiences have been emotionally contained within this final construction. They are certainly not at all obvious to anyone else, but they have been captured in a simple but effective and powerful way. It is then no longer just about the effort and expression, but about emotional containment; these things now exist externally within the boundaries of this construction and (to be comical for moment) no longer remain internally bound to a bunch of neurons jumping around my brain!
I feel it important to reference the lack of words involved in this creation. Even the words the characters speak in the video are from a fictional language that often descends into squeaky gibberish. I find a greater sense of psychological safety when removed from the explicit use of words; especially when it comes to exploring a collection of emotions. This is perhaps due to my own negative historical experiences of words. From my first explorations of keeping a hand written diary which I found tedious and boring, to my spilling out of raw emotions through text messages and emails specifically, all of which usually were not received very well (and in some cases rightly so). So my relationship with words has never been all that great.
However, I also feel that perhaps one complications with using visual materials rather than written or spoken languages is it’s complexity. A single piece of visual media can include a whole variety of complicated thoughts, feelings and experiences and this can potentially be a little overwhelming for some, perhaps leading to responses such as, ‘I don’t know… I just like it’. I personally feel that by applying a systemic semiological approach works to alleviate this complication because it breaks everything down into various personal ‘signposts’. My view is that although the language of semiotics can seem daunting, it can be simplified to consider how each piece of visual information works as a signpost to communicate something personally specific.
